Well, that fabled time is nearly upon us folks. The long Mayan predicted event of the end of the world. So, if you’ve bought all your Christmas presents, booked a holiday and put your tree up, I’m afraid to say it is all in vein! Or is it…?
Actually it’s not! I’m very happy to announce that I am the sole stockist and installer of End Of World Windows! Or EOWW! End Of World Windows are a brand new, high grade PVC, aluminium and timber composite material – called Palimber. Palimber windows come with a unique quadrouple-glazed sealed unit, with Krypton gas pumped into to all 3 cavities. The frames are reinforced with steel and werbars inside of that. Each window comes with 50 point locking!
Worried about that tidal wave sweeping across the country? Nothing to worry about with Palimber windows in your home! Palimber windows have actually been proven to withstand 500ft high tidal waves. The super-reinforcement in Palimber windows actually makes the structural integrity of your home 250 times stronger! No other window can say the same!
Worried about the looters once all the devastation settles down? For those that have survived but want to loot your property of your possessions, the 4 layers of toughened safety glass and the 50 point locking will make sure those pesky survivors are kept out!
It’s going to be a noisy affair all this end of the world stuff. Luckily, with the quadrouple-glazed sealed units and excellent reinforcement you won’t hear a thing! The latest BSI tests now include hydrogen bomb tests and a distance of just 10 meters away to test strength and noise protection. I am pleased to say that with Palimber windows, not only could you not hear anything at all, but the test house remained fully in tact!
Worried about energy efficiency? Even in a post apocalyptic world, British Gas and Eon are still going to want to charge you a fortune for your gas and electricity. Luckily, not a dot of heat will be getting through those 4 layers of glass and Krypton gas! Whatever cold air is left I can guarantee won’t be able to penetrate your home!
So, how much for these absolutely essential home improvements? I know times are still tough for everyone, so I’ve decided to market these windows at the rock bottom price of £20,000 PER WINDOW! That’s right, for the price of a decent family car you could put ONE WHOLE E.O.W. window in your home! But even better, if you buy your Palimber windows before December 21st, I will knock 50% off and sell you them at just £10,000 per window! I’m practically giving them away here folks! But you have to be quick! If you order on December 20th or before, I can have them made, delivered and fitted all in time for the end of the world! Buy now before stocks disappear! Contact email@example.com for more details!
Your really going for this golden twit award then.lol
I bet if you phone your MD up and drag him out if his board meeting that you will be able to reduce that price further, I know I will have to confirm my order there and then to get the “special price”!
Well, I’m the MD! I suppose I could email myself and reply to myself with an extra £1000 discount! But you would definitely have to buy right now!
Are you going to make bifolds from that material? Will they be available under the Green deal? Definitely the answer to next years Part ‘L’. And will they be CE marked? as in “catastrophy ensured”
You should have saved that one for April 1st
Of course! I can do anything! Doors, bi-folds, even conservatories if you are wanting to live the apocalyptic days out in a bit of luxury! They will meet Part L requirements for the next 75 years and yes they will be CE marked!
Merry Christmas DGB. You have obviously started on the hard stuff already. And a happy new year, (If we are not blown to smithereens)
I’ll take two!
Just let me know when I can come out and do a survey ;-)
Hi! I would be more interested in the upgraded version of this window if you can “value engineer it” (David learnt me yesterday that that means you do more for free!) You see I’ve heard that Johnathan (they don’t pay you to promote them) AB Federicsks do Xenon filled cavities and use Titanium instead of steel reinforcing which achieves an A+ two thousand million candles energy rating 2 miles below sea level. Also those windows don’t meet the secured by design criteria I would need, so, I also require all the glass is toughened laminated 10mm minimum with the third… Read more »